I have been in a gloomy mood today. It's hard to be down on Friday when the air is cool and the sun is shining. But sometimes a cloud just seems to linger right overhead. Then this morning one of my students came in early for some help with an assignment. She said she was feeling blue, too. So, I decided the perfect thing would be to listen to some Christmas music. We did. We listened for about an hour and we felt better.
Think about it. The music is familiar and it is always either upbeat or uplifting. All perky and happy, or spiritual and elevated. So we didn't stop after just an hour. I've been playing it all day. It has been funny to watch the reactions of my students. Some of them asked me why Christmas music, and when I explained briefly that I just needed a boost, they questioned no further. Most of them were taking a test online, and I kept seeing them tapping their feet, nodding their heads, softly smiling--all while taking a test over The Scarlet Letter!
Right now I am "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" with Louis Armstrong, and the sun is starting to shine inside me again.
I have set a goal for myself--I am going to try to focus on those small things that surround me which remind me how beautiful life is. Don't get me wrong. I am not a sad person. Not really. But I do tend to migrate toward what I often think of as a beautiful melancholy. And it is a small slide downhill from there to a darker kind of sorrow. Johnny Mathis can keep me from that tipping point with "Silent Night." And Christmas with "The Rat Pack" practically makes me giddy.
This morning while I was having myself a merry little Christmas, I was reading excerpts from a book titled The Overly Sensitive Person, and I realized that I identified quite strongly with a lot of the characteristics mentioned there. Teaching high school can be trying for a sensitive person. Teenagers have so many problems--problems ranging from mildly dramatic to life threateningly serious. Just walking down the hall with a couple of hundred students is bound to put you face to face with at least one seriously disturbed individual in a matter of minutes. It is an almost physical sensation to be buffeted by their angst. I realize that one of the ways I deal with that is to distance myself from everyone. Over the years my students have even teased me about it. They say things about my need to be contained. They tell me I am aloof. They comment on my desire not to have my personal space infringed upon. And they know that I am not really a person who hugs a lot.
I have been this way since I was a small child. It probably springs from not liking anyone to control my environment in any way. I think that's why I like to write--I can literally control everything that happens. And it's also why I like to make art. The act of creation is the ultimate in control. Recognizing these things about myself is liberating. Afterall, how can you get what you want if you don't even know what you want?
Today I wanted "giddyup Jingle Horse, pick up yer feet," and "Silver Bells," and the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. I wanted to remember the joy that bubbled inside me when I was in second grade and we sang "I Saw Momma Kissing Santa Clause" for the first time, and the way my cheeks turned pink just to imagine that scenario!
So, I hope my photography class is in the mood for some Christmas cheer while we critique their week's work. And I hope they know how much I care about them here in my little Christmas bubble.
